Friday, October 15, 2010

soul affliction and pieces of heart

Today it feels as if there aren't any pieces of my heart left that are large enough to break.

I have always believed that I'm supposed to hold the things and people I cherish with open hands, not to grasp and cling, lest I have them painfully wrenched from my grip.... well, what's the difference? It seems they fall out of my life and are lost either way.  Gone is community, gone are some dear ones, gone a sense of belonging, gone my joy and hope.  I like Job simply wait to see what God will or will not do with the way things are, the way He's allowed them to be.  I know better than to challenge Him with unanswerable questions... Job tried that and was barraged with equally unanswerable questions put to him by God Himself...He is sovereign, He is good, not all things are for us to know.  So, I'll try to turn my attention where Job was guided to turn his... to prayer.  Prayer for his friends, his accusers. This is more humbling than it sounds, more humbling and more and more, I think one never finishes eating humble pie.  There's always room for more, at least in my life that seems to be the case.  I don't expect restoration till Heaven, that's where the bits of my heart are today.

Psalm 42

 1 As the deer pants for the water brooks,
         So pants my soul for You, O God.
 2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
         When shall I come and appear before God?
 3 My tears have been my food day and night,
         While they continually say to me,
         “Where is your God?”
 4 When I remember these things,
         I pour out my soul within me.
         For I used to go with the multitude;
         I went with them to the house of God,
         With the voice of joy and praise,
         With a multitude that kept a pilgrim feast.
 5 Why are you cast down, O my soul?
         And why are you disquieted within me?
         Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him
         For the help of His countenance.
 6 O my God, my soul is cast down within me;
         Therefore I will remember You from the land of the Jordan,
         And from the heights of Hermon,
         From the Hill Mizar.
 7 Deep calls unto deep at the noise of Your waterfalls;
         All Your waves and billows have gone over me.
 8 The LORD will command His lovingkindness in the daytime,
         And in the night His song shall be with me—
         A prayer to the God of my life.
 9 I will say to God my Rock,
         “Why have You forgotten me?
         Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?”
 10 As with a breaking of my bones,
         My enemies reproach me,
         While they say to me all day long,
         “Where is your God?”
 11 Why are you cast down, O my soul?
         And why are you disquieted within me?
         Hope in God;
         For I shall yet praise Him,
         The help of my countenance and my God.