gluten free crusty boule

gluten free crusty boule, originally uploaded by Az~Kate.

I made this from the book Healthy Artisan Bread in 5 minutes a Day, and it's excellent! You can google 'gluten free crusty boule' and find the recipe, a you tube video showing the process and more. Heaven!  Click on the photo and you can see it coming out of the oven, and sliced after it cooled some.  This would definitely hold up as a chowder container, or would be terrific with warm spinach/artichoke dip... or any other way you like to have french bread.  There is a regular wheat version that is delicious too, but we can't eat that anymore.

Ghosts of children past...

Recently I've come across the 'ghosts of my children past' here and there.  Opened an old box of craft supplies to find a ziplock of markers with one son's names written across it, lest his brothers dare use his markers!  Or in the back of a cupboard an old lunch bag with 'Jared' written in faded Sharpie black.  Discovering a silly drawing of a gruesome scene sketched in papermate blue ink on wide ruled paper in an old stack of notebooks ...  the remnants of children who no longer sketch, draw or take lunch bags on field trips anymore.

I've mentioned my hatred of this new 'empty nest' stage before... perhaps not in as vehement words, but there it is... I do hate it.  It's not that I'm not happy, thankful and blessed that our sons have grown into mature men who are living honorable lives, pursuing their passions, each with a strong work ethic and each very responsible and accomplished.  I do... what I hate is the loss of my closest companions / friends. (I don't believe in parents being their children's 'friends' when they are young, they need love and discipline and family fun and play, yes, of course!  The friendships I feel we have/had grew as they matured into young men.

Now, I feel that they may not actually consider me *their* close friend, I am just mom, they are stuck in relationship with me.  They didn't choose me.  Now, I feel like I'm 'out of sight & out of mind'.  They are busy with their lives, I know this... but I miss them. Every second of every day.  I miss impromptu long talks, debates, sarcasm and silliness.  I miss their quiet presence and sometimes noisiness somewhere in the house. 

 Apparently what passes for appropriate communication with us, is a brief check in every couple weeks or several weeks, in some cases.  One has been asked to come for occasional homemade lunches... never happens.  One calls only with a quick question or request, usually.  One is experiencing the busiest and most self-reliant time of his life, and has tried to give us (sort of) regular catch up time via skype, but I wish for more.  So I wonder what I did or am doing wrong. What makes them choose to avoid me? I think there must surely be something.  Communication is easy for me, I desire honesty above all, so I wonder why they can't honestly tell me if I've done something to creep them out.  Yet maybe there is nothing... maybe they just don't realize how deeply my life is rooted in them and don't realize my mama heart is shriveling and throbbing with communication drought inside my soul.

I DO have other interests, truly.  But other than my God, my husband, our grand-children, daughter-in-loves, and my 'rarely get to spend time with her', best friend, there are NO other loves I'm as passionate about.   Art, books, nature, hiking, gardening, teaching... these other interests simply can't replace relationship with my 3 dearest sons.  Whether or not they were listening closely, I poured all my thoughts, heart, and soul into them.  I listened to theirs, reacted (too strongly, sometimes) to their hurts, dreams, and desires, taking them to heart. I wanted to see them achieve everything they dreamed of.  You truly long for your children's happiness... and when they find a portion of it, you are displaced.  I guess I did the same thing to my folks.  (Who did not have nearly as close a relationship with me as I wished.  They did not spend a fraction of the time with me as I spent with my sons.  And, homeschooling was unheard of. I can't recall one single deep talk with either of my parents until I was an adult.  Their expectations and values were different then. Thankfully we have closer relationships now, which gives me hope. Yet I would hope for a better relationship still, with my own children.)  Intimate communication is my love language...without it I shrivel up.  Good thing God speaks with me or I'd be nothing but dust by now.  Actually I'm feeling pretty dusty at the moment.  Time to to before the throne of grace.

Seasons, Back to the Two of Us

This summer brought the passing of a season that I was not looking forward to relinquishing. The season of active motherhood, homeschooling, and enjoying the final period of having our 3 boys living at home.  One by one they flew... Z  into marriage and now fatherhood, stayed close to the 'nest', thankfully!  His dear wife and 2 darling girls are a rich joy to us.  Then J left for Bible College in Portland OR, and will be wed next month, remaining in Portland (for now).  2 weeks ago we put our 'baby' on an airplane to the other side of the continent where he is attending a small private University in big, secular, New York City.  Phew!  That is a lot for this 'defined by raising boys' mama.  Thankfully it was a slowly emptying nest, but this last little fellow left with a flourish and a finality that has us proud of his courage, but feeling the sting of a very empty and quiet house. All told this season of having then raising our sons lasted from 1981 to 2011... 30 years.  We'll always be parents, I'll always be a mother, but from here on out, it will be different.  I mourn and I rejoice.

So I welcome this new season, like it or not.  I'm determined to 'like' it as much as possible. Ha ha.  My husband and I are feeling a new sense of oneness as we still have each other and are looking forward to doing some things that we've always hoped, but never been able to take the time to do.  I think both of us are a little excited about being able to focus on one another and reconnect to our 'couple-hood'.  This is good, and as it should be.

I'm teaching small art classes to homeschool kids to help contribute to the family budget.  I've been a stay at home mom for the majority of the past 30 years, so even though the classes are in my home, I feel like I'm entering the working world again!  Planning, teaching, and organizing these classes is time consuming on the front end, but it's good for me to be busy.   I hope to have more time to spend nurturing my own artistic endeavors and to hike and exercise more.

So this is how a new season begins.  Here is a quick sketch I did recently in a free booklet I found at the Asian Market.  The book is on Buddhism, but I just like how it looks as a background for my doodles.  It suits my title for this entry... The Two of Us.

April gone, May well on her way!

So, here it is already the second half of May.  And, no, I haven't posted for a month..tsk tsk.  The past few weeks have been super busy.  I went to CA for 4 days to visit mom and go to my sister's baby's first birthday (live in VA, so haven't seen each other in a L O N G time).  Then the past couple of weeks we had out of state visitors over 12 days (5 people altogether) to take part in various activities.  Jesse starred as the Cat in the Hat for his highschool production of Seussical the Musical, then came Mother's Day, and then our 30th anniversary.  We flew Jared and his girlfriend, Joi, in to be with us... so amazing to have all our boys together at the same time!  After cramming so much activity into a short week, stressed and tired I got pretty sick with a viral attack that I'm still recovering from.  Here are some pictures from late April and May...

I have been trying to get to the Botanical Gardens more regularly... that one was from April when the wildflowers were AMAZING!  In the past weeks I've gone again with Ron, then we went with our friends the Brackman's, next I took daughter-in-love and the grand-darling to see the butterflies, that was magical! (if I were allowed to post pictures of the most wonderful grandchild on earth, they'd be here, but I'm not)  Then I went again last week with my Dad and Judy.  Here are a few pictures from those various visits...

Flowers, the butterfly pavilion, dad and me, nest in saguaro with a couple dove fledglings & the last is of a mama round-tailed squirrel and baby (there were 5 babies, so cute!). 

Jesse as the Cat in the Hat... he was hilarious.  His director allowed him to ad-lib and improv quite a bit, so he took full advantage of it. The last shot is from Mother's Day when I was surrounded by all my boys and other family ...it's been a very long time since this has happened. 

Sorry this is such a boring post... maybe I'll get back later and 'spice' it up! 

Free Food for the Soul/Spirit!

Okay, I know it's been way too long since I've 'blogged' but that's probably going to be my modus operandi!  To splatter my blog with several entries and then not post for weeks.  My life is kind of like that.  But I do want all 2 or 3 of you to know that I actually have at least 3 blog topics percolating in my head and heart.  One will be a lengthy consideration of the topic of what is Church supposed to be/do/look like.  Prompted by yet another Church upheaval in our lives.  I find myself considering, praying and asking God for wisdom again on this topic...wanting our family to make a decision based solely on the word of God, as that is what we believe would be in line with His specific will for our family.  He has already informed us through His word on what He intends His church to be 'doing and being', we don't need a fleece or to cast lots in order to follow His will.  Okay...but that's for LATER!

The other entry brewing is some boring chit chat about my garden, with photos, perhaps.  ;o)

THIS post is supposed to about some FREE food for the soul and spirit.  I recently learned about this website from my homeschooling friend Nancy; ChristianAudio.com which offers FREE AUDIO books every month.  AWESOME!  Currently, through the end of March you can download Dietrich Boenhoeffer's 'The Cost of Discipleship';  John Piper's 'Fifty Reasons Why Jesus Came to Die' and at the moment also a new audio book  'Pilgrims Progress Retold'  (a modern rendition of John Bunyan's timeless classic).  I already downloaded Bonhoeffer's book and plan to copy it onto cd's to play in the car.  Just downloaded Pilgrim's Progress which I'll compare to another audio version of the tale I have, to see which I prefer.  ;o) And I am about to download Piper's book, as I think it will be a perfect thoughtful listen as we near 'Easter' (which I prefer to call 'Resurrection Sunday'). 

So, would you like to get in on the free stuff?  Then go to https://christianaudio.com/  (if you click on this blog post's title, you will be directed to Christian audio) 
Create a free account and click on the 'free download' links.  ;o)  Then you just go through a short check out process, enter the special free download code and whala!  You'll get a link to a page where you can download the audio files, with your choice of a couple of formats:  mp3 or some type suited for Apple products. 

Christian Audio has all kinds of other goodies to browse and buy, some are very good deals!  But be sure to go for solid biblical authors, since they also sell materials by some so called 'teachers' that I wouldn't give a moment of your time or mine to ingest their influence.  A lot of what I'd call 'popular poo poo' is out there, so don't read any of that stuff!  And if you don't know which is the safe stuff and which is the trash, ask a trusted discerning, mature believer.  And if you don't know any of those people, you need to find some new mentors and maybe a new church... and I'd be happy to give you MY opinion on various authors.  ;o)

Blessings!

A New Look for the New Year

Okay, it's still January (barely!) so I can yet get away with a 'new year' blog post, right?  ;o) The other day I found a link at a friends blog to these cool blog backgrounds, and AMAZINGLY I was actually able to follow the instructions and add this particular scheme to freshen up my page.  The only thing missing is the cool feather drawing that was part of the center design.  Apparently it gets covered up by the text area.  Sadly, that feather was what sold me on this design, but oh well!  I still like the natural colors and elements... it suits me!  So this 'look' will probably stay for a while... probably till Spring when I may switch looks again.  As an artsy type, aesthetics rule.  Anyway... my rambling may not be too inspiring, so at least you have some pretty doo dads to distract you!  So thank you (fill in name of blog background designer later when I go find it again) for the fun blog costumes!

Well it's pretty obvious that I haven't been inspired to say much in the way of something humorous, or artistic, or soap boxish for a while.  Truth be told, I focused steadfastly on my family over the holidays and had one of the most blessed Christmas times I've enjoyed in a long time.  It was a healing and sweet holiday in many little ways.  The introduction of Bethanne into our midst had a magical effect on the season, for me.  Seeing the tree,   lights and wrappings etc. from her toddler's perspective was so joyful.  I had more fun Christmas shopping and preparing than I've had in many years just by keeping her sweet face in mind.  We were so happy to be able to have Zac and Lisa over several times over the season. 

Jared was home for a shorter than usual break and it is his last 'official' stay at home, as the plan at the moment is for him to remain in Portland over the summer... he's not had great luck finding work here the past couple of summers.  So, in effect he's gone, possibly for good as far as 'living at home' goes.  This was very very hard for me, so I really soaked up his presence in the everyday aspects that may not 'be' again.  He and Jesse laughing over silly computer games (which they indulged in WAY too much), talking quietly late into the night. 

I can't stop the nest from emptying, I can dread it and cry about it, but I can't stop it... so I'm trying to take deep breaths and allow this stage to progress as God intends and not miss what IS here because I'm too focused on the unwanted changes that are coming around the bend.  Last year I listened to the audio of Beth Moore's book 'Feathers from My Nest', and I could relate so much to many of the things she shared as a mother whose babies have flown off to their own lives.  She weaves an allegorical tale of mr and mrs robin as they vacate their nest and head in a new direction that was sweet, and fitting.

So here I am in 2010 and by the time this decade has ended, it is quite likely that my life will be something I cannot imagine at all today... and truly the year 2000 seems like last week!  Time truly passes more swiftly as I age, my life is gaining steam in a direction that is somewhat scary to me.  But I am so amazingly thankful to know that God oversees my journey day by day, that He's with me, closer than my heartbeat and even though I'm not exactly looking forward to the next phase of my life... (old ladyhood),  it is just a temporary season that will finally end with my entrance into the most exciting, most dreamt of, unending eternal full existence in God's Kingdom.  I'll see Jesus face to face, touch His robe, and follow His footsteps for real!  I'll witness the intricate beauty of a place that the broken loveliness of our fallen earth can only hint at.  If my own little family on earth has been my treasure, my meaning and comfort... can you imagine what fully living in God's home with our big happy family might be like.  I can hardly wait.  So Lord, let the future come.  My anchor and hope are in You and in Your promises. 

A Paper Doll Dress for the Grand-darling.

I spent all day yesterday creating this cutest of the cute little girl dresses.  Can't wait to see our grand-darling in it. That's all for today!  ;o) 

heart exposure

I found my soul laid bare while reading 'Hannah Coulter' by Wendell Berry this summer. The character 'Hannah' perfectly described my present state of life ...

"To be the mother of a grown-up child means that you don't have a child anymore, and that is sad. When the grown-up child leaves home, that is sadder. I wanted Margaret to go to college, but when she actually went away it broke my heart. Maybe if you had enough children you could get used to those departures, but, having only three, I never did. I felt them like amputations. Something I needed was missing. Sometimes, even now, when I come into this house...empty, before I think I will wonder, "Where are they?" "

Like amputations, painful, crippling. I guess even the wound of an amputation heals eventually, but one is forever altered. A major part of Motherhood is waning and I must be careful to let God take it without becoming bitter and ending it badly. I need strength and grace from outside myself to succeed, bitterness is swirling about my ankles seeping into my pores unbidden. You cannot choose for your grown-up children to dwell nearby or to remain intimately close as friends, though you want it, you are powerless to accomplish it. Powerless to help them make wise choices any longer. You must watch them from a distance choose their own way, sometimes a way that you foresee holds heartache.

Prayer and God's providence takes the edge off somewhat, but I fear I shall 'limp' from this severance and will not feel whole inside again till heaven. This is my real life, but a fictional story has brought it into crystal clarity.