Still feeling the pain of the empty nest.

But I think it's getting a little better... less teary, and more resigned.  However a lovely article reached into my soul and hit me hard today, but it was great to know others feel this too, and that a talented writer put it into words...

"To become a mother, I had to learn how to care about someone more than I did about myself, and that was terrible.  But who I am now is something more terrible:  the protector who can’t always protect; the one with arms that are designed to hold, always having to let go.

Dear mother of only one child, don’t blame yourself for thinking that your life is hard.  You’re suffering now because you’re turning into a new woman, a woman who is never allowed to be alone.  For what?  Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.

When I had only one child, she was so heavy.  Now I can see that children are as light as air.  They float past you, nudging against you like balloons as they ascend.

Dear mother, don’t worry about enjoying your life.  Your life is hard; your life will be hard.  That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re doing it right.

Read the whole article here: http://www.ncregister.com/blog/to-the-mother-with-only-one-child#ixzz1jwub6UaV

Ghosts of children past...

Recently I've come across the 'ghosts of my children past' here and there.  Opened an old box of craft supplies to find a ziplock of markers with one son's names written across it, lest his brothers dare use his markers!  Or in the back of a cupboard an old lunch bag with 'Jared' written in faded Sharpie black.  Discovering a silly drawing of a gruesome scene sketched in papermate blue ink on wide ruled paper in an old stack of notebooks ...  the remnants of children who no longer sketch, draw or take lunch bags on field trips anymore.

I've mentioned my hatred of this new 'empty nest' stage before... perhaps not in as vehement words, but there it is... I do hate it.  It's not that I'm not happy, thankful and blessed that our sons have grown into mature men who are living honorable lives, pursuing their passions, each with a strong work ethic and each very responsible and accomplished.  I do... what I hate is the loss of my closest companions / friends. (I don't believe in parents being their children's 'friends' when they are young, they need love and discipline and family fun and play, yes, of course!  The friendships I feel we have/had grew as they matured into young men.

Now, I feel that they may not actually consider me *their* close friend, I am just mom, they are stuck in relationship with me.  They didn't choose me.  Now, I feel like I'm 'out of sight & out of mind'.  They are busy with their lives, I know this... but I miss them. Every second of every day.  I miss impromptu long talks, debates, sarcasm and silliness.  I miss their quiet presence and sometimes noisiness somewhere in the house. 

 Apparently what passes for appropriate communication with us, is a brief check in every couple weeks or several weeks, in some cases.  One has been asked to come for occasional homemade lunches... never happens.  One calls only with a quick question or request, usually.  One is experiencing the busiest and most self-reliant time of his life, and has tried to give us (sort of) regular catch up time via skype, but I wish for more.  So I wonder what I did or am doing wrong. What makes them choose to avoid me? I think there must surely be something.  Communication is easy for me, I desire honesty above all, so I wonder why they can't honestly tell me if I've done something to creep them out.  Yet maybe there is nothing... maybe they just don't realize how deeply my life is rooted in them and don't realize my mama heart is shriveling and throbbing with communication drought inside my soul.

I DO have other interests, truly.  But other than my God, my husband, our grand-children, daughter-in-loves, and my 'rarely get to spend time with her', best friend, there are NO other loves I'm as passionate about.   Art, books, nature, hiking, gardening, teaching... these other interests simply can't replace relationship with my 3 dearest sons.  Whether or not they were listening closely, I poured all my thoughts, heart, and soul into them.  I listened to theirs, reacted (too strongly, sometimes) to their hurts, dreams, and desires, taking them to heart. I wanted to see them achieve everything they dreamed of.  You truly long for your children's happiness... and when they find a portion of it, you are displaced.  I guess I did the same thing to my folks.  (Who did not have nearly as close a relationship with me as I wished.  They did not spend a fraction of the time with me as I spent with my sons.  And, homeschooling was unheard of. I can't recall one single deep talk with either of my parents until I was an adult.  Their expectations and values were different then. Thankfully we have closer relationships now, which gives me hope. Yet I would hope for a better relationship still, with my own children.)  Intimate communication is my love language...without it I shrivel up.  Good thing God speaks with me or I'd be nothing but dust by now.  Actually I'm feeling pretty dusty at the moment.  Time to to before the throne of grace.

Seasons, Back to the Two of Us

This summer brought the passing of a season that I was not looking forward to relinquishing. The season of active motherhood, homeschooling, and enjoying the final period of having our 3 boys living at home.  One by one they flew... Z  into marriage and now fatherhood, stayed close to the 'nest', thankfully!  His dear wife and 2 darling girls are a rich joy to us.  Then J left for Bible College in Portland OR, and will be wed next month, remaining in Portland (for now).  2 weeks ago we put our 'baby' on an airplane to the other side of the continent where he is attending a small private University in big, secular, New York City.  Phew!  That is a lot for this 'defined by raising boys' mama.  Thankfully it was a slowly emptying nest, but this last little fellow left with a flourish and a finality that has us proud of his courage, but feeling the sting of a very empty and quiet house. All told this season of having then raising our sons lasted from 1981 to 2011... 30 years.  We'll always be parents, I'll always be a mother, but from here on out, it will be different.  I mourn and I rejoice.

So I welcome this new season, like it or not.  I'm determined to 'like' it as much as possible. Ha ha.  My husband and I are feeling a new sense of oneness as we still have each other and are looking forward to doing some things that we've always hoped, but never been able to take the time to do.  I think both of us are a little excited about being able to focus on one another and reconnect to our 'couple-hood'.  This is good, and as it should be.

I'm teaching small art classes to homeschool kids to help contribute to the family budget.  I've been a stay at home mom for the majority of the past 30 years, so even though the classes are in my home, I feel like I'm entering the working world again!  Planning, teaching, and organizing these classes is time consuming on the front end, but it's good for me to be busy.   I hope to have more time to spend nurturing my own artistic endeavors and to hike and exercise more.

So this is how a new season begins.  Here is a quick sketch I did recently in a free booklet I found at the Asian Market.  The book is on Buddhism, but I just like how it looks as a background for my doodles.  It suits my title for this entry... The Two of Us.